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RE: scientific research

Date: March 13, 2009 11:35:17 AM GMT-04:00
Subject: RE: scientific research

Dear Iris,

It is with great sadness that I am forced to inform you of a series of unprincipled actions currently taking place within the AGO. Taciturn and stoic by nature, I am not given to alarmist outbursts. I assure it is solely my concern for your health and the health of the employees at the AGO that has made it mandatory that I speak out.

It is unfortunately necessary to provide you with some of my personal background in order for you to gain an understanding of my unique perspective and your related position. I ask you to please omit any reference to my personal nature and physical attributes in any discourse with others. I feel I can trust you.

I was born in 1961 onboard the marine research vessel HMS Jack Russell while stationed ten miles off the Larsen G shelf in Antarctica. My mother, Dr. Grace Wilson, an endocrustaceanist, was recovering from a diving accident inside a hyperbaric chamber when she gave birth to me.

Doctors have theorized that it was the sudden exposure to an extreme pressure differential within an oxygen-enriched environment that caused my unique aural development. The combination of distended utricles and grossly enlarged posterior canals within my inner ears has somehow allowed me to discern complex harmonic overtones inaudible to others.

When I encountered the robotized drummer installation within the AGO I was immediately overcome with a profound and paralytic sense of horror. For right before my ears screamed a desperate warning that no one but I could hear. At this point I must strongly recommend that you DO NOT READ FURTHER unless you are alone in a safe location well outside the AGO and not within 100 metres of a car antenna.

Tremendous care has been taken to suppress the percussive prophecy of the robotized drummers. Someone…or some organization has gone to great lengths to fabricate sinister anechoic enclosures to entomb their message. Even the base frequencies are siphoned off and fed into innocuous looking “domestic glass jars” only to be mercilessly suffocated by nefariously generated anti-waves deliberately 180 degrees out of phase.

Your intuitive grasp of the connection between Dr. Chantal Lee’s office door and sonic vibrations seemingly emanating from within the original kitchen at The Grange is impressive to say the least. Even I was unable to recognize the nuanced Hypothalmal feedback until I removed my specialized hairpiece. I assure you these sounds are NOT natural in origin. Further, the “servant’s bells” in the intervening chamber are in point of fact part of an active sonic suppression system.

It’s too dangerous to explain further via this email. In order to provide complete security I have fabricated a revolutionary new form of secure personal communications technology. Called the “ShowBrero”, the device fits on your head and presents a five-minute message within what ostensibly looks like a large sombrero, but is in reality an environment more discreet than Maxwell Smart’s Cone of Silence. I am willing to bring the ShowBrero to a secure location of your choosing. Only access to a 115 VAC outlet is required.

This Saturday night, March 14th, the ShowBrero will be set up at 362 Sorauren (near Dundas) from 8pm until the authorities shut it down. Disguised as a house party, you and a friend(s) are most welcome. The host is Matt Cook 416-530-1818


May God have mercy upon our earholes.

Neil Hollands

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